Let the Future Begin

It’s been six weeks since my last chemo treatment. I’ve attempted to have my final treatment for the past three weeks. Each week I’ve gone in, only to find that my immune numbers are far to low. Today, I received GREAT news from my doctor. It is her recommendation that I skip that last chemo and move on confident of a cure. I’ll have a CT Scan next week with a follow up appointment with her on Monday, April 20. The HIPEC Treament has been especially hard on my body, hence the low numbers. My response to treatment has been excellent however and exceeded her initial prognosis. I AM DONE WITH MY CANCER TREATMENTS!

Throughout my cancer journey I have spent a lot of time in a reflective posture...walking outside, sitting on my garden swing ( yes, even in the winter if the sun was shining) reading spirit filled books...and binge watching Amazon or Netflix. I have spent seven months trying desperately to hold onto a positive mindset. My teacher friends know all too well how much time and effort we give to children helping them to elicit their own. I’ve made daily, even hourly, choices to focus on the good, the true and the beautiful. Keeping my mantra close ( Outrageous Courage, Determined Joy) has really helped. Each one of you on this blog site has helped me proceed with generosity and hope. I have lived within your collective safety and assured support. I have found myself simultaneously losing control and finding it. Life- I have discovered is an eternal discovery and filled with constant growth. The more we think we understand the more we find out otherwise.

Right now I’m quietly noticing all the beauty of spring and the awakening of nature. Creation exists first of all: for its own goodness and glory. Secondly, it exists to show us God’s goodness, diversity and creativity. When we look at a person, tulip, a butterfly or a mountain- everything is part of God’s love for us and the universe we call home. I believe that Jesus is the gift that honored this gift- all of creation. During this Holy Week, I plan to focus my gratitude on all of creation.

Many of you planted tulip bulbs this fall whilst praying for me. Thank you. Please send me pictures as yours bloom. I plan to make a collage with all the photos and perhaps a poem too, if creativity finds me.

Now, we find ourselves, our nation and our planet in distress. I rest assured that goodness will outweigh anxiety and that our faith will get us there. Hopefully, all of us can find moments, maybe even just minutes, when we are in a reflective posture. I want you know that I have lived on the others side of a great nightmare and it wasn’t a nightmare at all. I have been afraid and anxious for sure. As a now Cancer Survior, I know that anxiety and at times, fear, will follow me. But I know something far more valuable...the love and support of a community and a gracious Lord. God bless us all...everyone.

Let the Futre BEGIN!

Perhaps three times is the charm

My chemotherapy treatment today was postponed yet again. Last Monday my neutrophil number was 0.8 So it was decided to delay. After an extra week of rest it’s only at 0.9. The magic number is 1.5. Therefore, I’ll take yet another week of rest hoping that number will go up. Obviously, my immune system has been extra hard since my surgery.

I received a booster shot this morning and will get another one tomorrow. I‘m super disappointed. As complications go, this is minor, but frustrating nonetheless.

Please pray with me that my immune system will kick into gear.

Deus ex Machina or not

I first came across this phrase about 10 years ago in a Bible Study while reading Brian McLaren’s “ A New Kind of Christianity.” Deus ex Machina ( pronounced Day-us-ekes Mack-inuh) is Latin for “God in the Machine”. It’s an ancient literary device meant to solve a problem in a plot or play by adding an unexpected / miraculous character into a tragic event that literally saves the day. It was a device used in Greek tragedies- often a crane or pulley system that would hoist the hero down onto center stage. There are even some popular ones in the Bible, the parting of the Red Sea, and Abraham saving Isaac. I think it is also why super hero movies remain so popular. I have lived, experienced and shared the goodness of God in the midst of my hard times. In fact, even as a teacher one of my favorite writing lessons was to have students prove this promp: “Friends makes difficult times easier and good times better.” As Christians we often hold out for a miracle, for God to step in at the last possible moment to prevent or repair a tragedy. When God doesn’t perform a deus ex machina our belief structures can become unhinged. However, if every story ended that way- we would never fully know or understand, GRACE. Grace that is given and grace that is received. LOVE. Love that is given and love that is received.

The world is feeling chaotic right now. It has felt chaotic for me since October. Wouldn’t we all just love the idea of a hero that will rescue us from harm? How cool would that be?! As we watch the news and read reports about the pandemic, we can see that God has provided heroes everywhere. I have found these last six months that God can and does appear whenever we need reassurance, confidence or purpose in life. I feel His presence often, daily, in small moments- not saved for the climax scene.

I have been asked often, how can you believe in a God that let’s bad things happen? My answer, the one I choose to endorse, is that I don’t see God as a purely external reality. I believe He is present in every act of love. And therefore, when bad things happen, GOD’S LOVE IS REVEALED. Here’s an epiphany: what if we believe in a transcendent God AND a God of love in the present? What if God, desiring us to draw nearer to Him, made it so that affection of Him is always rooted to and flows through something or someone else- holding an infant, seeing a sunrise, helping a friend, helping a stranger, finding a cure? What if he placed the entire world between us and Him? Then He can proclaim...LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

Thank you to all who have loved me through my battle. Tuesday is yet another chemo day (#6) and I truly dread the seven days that will follow. I still believe, however, that God is experienced when we direct love toward each other. For this reason, I believe that God does not choose to be deus ex Machina. It is what saves our lives from being a one way street. That is why God doesn’t give us just the miraculous ending...He gives gives us the whole play. Even though I’m heading into “scene six” and it might not be the role I wished or planned for...God’s love has been revealed the whole time- through wonderful people like you. Thank you have sharing this journey with me. I love you.